Givers and Takers

Generosity can be a blessing for the giver and the recipient, and also inspires good feelings in people who see it happening. ~ Zen Moments


An old friend texted me something yesterday that really touched my soul. What she said was in reference to my commenting on the disregard that some people display towards loved ones. Her text went something like this, ''some of us dance a little harder in life but you must remember that our intention is to never stomp on any ones toes.'' My response to her was that she does not have to remind the ones around her to watch their toes because it is our toes she is stomping on. How can one forget that their toes just got stomped? Please note that the quote contains no apology!

I understand that we all have tendencies to give and take in life but I also believe that we are either more of a giver or lean towards being a taker, at our core. Which are you?

If I look at the phrase quoted above I can only conclude that my dear friend is a taker and what she said, really says so much more.

I commend my friend for having such a great attitude towards living , hell, we are only here once right? Grab it and shake the shit out of it no matter who you trash in the process? Well, I for one can not live life at the expense of all around me. I can't feel good about taking advantage of those around me and I wish that one day all ''the dancers'' will wake up and stop stomping on my toes.

The fascinating thing about my friend is, if you take a look at her life and it doesn't have to be a long look, you will see that at a very young age she was hurt, more than once I might add. Is it because of all this hurt that my friend thinks its OK to step on toes, its OK to take without considering those all around, it is OK to hurt and take advantage and disregard your loved ones? It can't be that simple but sometimes I think it may be.

So this is where I sit in this relationship. I have been trying for years to get her to see but it seems to be an impossible task. What is it that keeps my interest? Why do we tolerate these types in our lives? Are we in awe of their zest all the while caught in the after tow of their disregard? Is sorrow felt for their hurt coupled with admiration for their ability to overcome? I can't put my finger on it.

We all have or have had friends like this in our circles, you just have to be aware of them. Look for the over achievers, the socially over active, the ones committed to everything but to no one. Do you have a friend that is always late and never apologize? Friends that borrow and never return, the ones that give so little but expect so much. These are the friends that never seem to understand how you can feel ''this way''? On a darker side, as they grow, they are the ones that cheat in marriage, steal in business, abuse themselves, and run from emotional situations.

We don't always get to chose who we love but we do get to chose how we can manage our loved ones. What to do with the relationships that seem to put us in this position? I suggest steel toed boots and a truck load of patience and if that doesn't work, saying good-bye might!

Being You

I encounter inner conflict at times, especially when faced with a situation full of confrontation. Do I back down? Do I always give in? Should I just smile and nod and turn in the other directions? Do I just sacrifice my feelings for the sake of the other? To practice tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness does not mean that we should make ourselves a doormat for other people's misuse. For starters, we should always remember that we are as deserving as anyone else, of our kindness, our compassion, and our love. The Buddha said ''that we could search the entire universe and we would not find anyone more worthy of our love than we ourselves are.'' So putting ourselves in a position where our feelings are ignored, our voice is not heard, and our wants and needs are neglected is not practicing compassion or love towards ourselves. All relationships, encounters, and connections we make in this life must be circular

in nature. We all seek balance, it is the nature of our existence, of our being.

The Buddhist path is often a cloudy and misunderstood one. It is not a practice of passivity, where one should retreat to a mountain top and become disengaged with the world, only to find oneself. Although retreating to oneself is a good practice from time to time. Instead, it is about being fully engaged in one's life, relationships around, and the world within the universe!

In the Sadhana of Mahamudra, Chogyam Trungpa described the wisdom of a fully realized being:

He is inseparable from peacefulness and yet he acts whenever action is required. He subdues what needs to be subdued, he destroys what needs to be destroyed and he cares for whatever needs his care.

If being inseparable from peacefulness and yet acting whenever action is required seems paradoxical, that's good. As Zen master Suzuki Roshi said, ''if something isn't paradoxical, it isn't true.''

Sometimes that means retreating from the situation and giving it space. Sometimes it means sitting down and having a conversation, and sharing your perspective. Sometimes it means standing up and shouting what you believe to be required. Sometimes it means walking away entirely, and never looking back. Sometimes it means giving someone a gift to show that you care.

In a ''Dharmic world'' there is no predetermined course of action to our quarrels, disagreements or to our clash. We must strive to meet each situation that arises with fresh awareness and open heart, and we must do our best to remain true to who we wish to be and respond in whatever way is most beneficial to our cause.

Being a doormat is never a healthy option.

Stake A Claim 2/2 ~ A friends thoughts continued

Our unhappiness comes from not staying true to who we are. Your focus should be on you. My focus should be me. If we kept our focus where it belonged instead of trying to fix and change others, then we wouldn't have half the issues that we have. The minute we look for approval outside ourselves, then the trouble begins. Because we are putting our values and worth outside of ourselves and into the hands of others. So here's an example: Two people live on the same street. One goes out and plants flowers and bushes and trees because they love beauty and they love to garden and they love the smell of the earth and the feeling that they get from planting and watering seeds and bringing them to life. It's very pure and it's very rewarding. They don't do it for any other reason than the sheer enjoyment that they get from doing it. The other, goes out and plants flowers and bushes and trees, and looks up and down the street to see how they rate and compare to the rest of their neighbours and when they can say that their house looks the best of anyone's on the street, then they feel good. Now they've both done the same thing with the same result as the first person, but instead of it stopping with the gardening and feeling the joy in doing that, the joy becomes very conditional on the approval of others and the feeling or superiority that it brings. See where I'm headed with this. They both do it for a reward: the reward is beauty and enjoyment on the one hand, and the reward is being able to impress others, on the other hand. One of these two is living a lie. One of these two has by-passed the inner world and created a purely external facade. It's not about the journey with these people. It's all about the reward at the end. How you get to that reward is every bit as important as the reward itself. So with these people, they create the illusion of being someone or something, but that's all it is ... smoke and mirrors. There is no root and no depth. They don't do it for any other reason than show and reward. Given enough time, the facade falls away and the truth is revealed. These people eventually get trapped in their own lie and they live very lonely lives. Only time separates truth from lies and only if people are willing to believe it. That is why, if you live authentically then your truth is the truth. It proves itself. The truth is, we all look the same, it's difficult to distinguish the difference between those living lives that are authentic and those living a false life. And as much as it may burn our ass to see the ''the liars'' getting away with their shit, it is not our place to correct them because when we do, we are doing it for the reward of proving them wrong and ourselves right. Our job is not to be a bit player in their story, but to remain firm in our own authenticity and tell our own story otherwise, we become just an echo of them.

Stake a Claim 1/2 ~ A friends thoughts

I am going through a rough moment (hopefully only a moment).

This is a message I received in support of my situation and other similar situations I have faced recently. The names being used have been changed but we can all fill in our own significant names to people we have enabled or that have taken advantage, disrespected, used, and or abused us.

I hope this translates well?

I'll tell you what the secret is. The secret is, that this is MY story. And that is YOUR story. We come into this world and we are given a life and then we spend most of our days trying to hold onto that life because if we don't use it for our own purposes, then someone else will be happy to claim it for theirs. Whether it be Philip or Susan, there will always be someone who doesn't have enough of what they need or want and they will be looking around for people to plunder for more time, more attention, more money, more love, more of whatever it is they are lacking at the moment. And there will always be Karen's and Bill's, moving people around to suit their purposes. And they manipulate others because they are either too big for their own lives and hence have to claim the lives of others so they can spill over into them, or their are too small and cowardly to pull off their crap all on their own, so they use others to hide behind. But, it is our job to write our own story and to develop healthy boundaries and to hold firm to them. It's tough to do because the lines get blurred by notions of love, support, responsibility and guilt, among other things, and those of us with strong moral character get taken advantage of by those with weaker moral strength. I really think that the time has come for someone to write a book, maybe even me, that strips away some of the Father Knows Best and Leave It To Beaver mentality that paints the perfect little picture of the perfect little home, and makes it clear to people that we are not responsible for being the answer to someone else's prayers. We don't have to be saviours. It's not selfish to look out for ourselves. And we don't have to be liked by everyone. The older I get, the more important I think it is to claim our lives and to start living them authentically. To hell with everyone else. Philip and Susan, as much as we love them, and we do love them, can get out if they don't like it. That seems harsh but if you go back a generation or two, to your father's time, or your grandfather's time, that's the way they lived their lives, and the kids that left home and struck out on their own, survived and even prospered. The kids that we see today, giving little but expecting lots, we made them that way. We took away their anger at the lifestyle they were handed, that is until we try to alter that very lifestyle that we provided. We took away their drive to get out and get more for themselves and when we do try to push them, for their own good, to be more driven nothing but confusion, frustration, and resentment come pouring in. It's like in order to balance out what our parents and grandparents did or didn't give us, we went too far the other way. The thing I want more for Philip than anything else, is for him to somehow figure out that he has to claim his life, and take responsibility for it, if he is ever going to be happy. Karen and Bill are prime examples of people who are too busy controlling everyone else to stop and take a look at their own pathetic lives and the pain they have inflicted on others with their actions. You and I just need to know who we are, and hold the lines. The Karen's and Bill's of this world are so convinced of their own rightness, that they are never going to listen to anything we have to say, and we will always be the ones who are too sensitive, or who misinterpret their motives, or who are way out in left field or are being to ''disrespectful'' or 'inappropriate''. The Karen's and Bill's of this world are just unhappy people looking for someone or something to blame their unhappiness on. God forbid that they should ever have to look at themselves and ask themselves if they are the ones with the problem. It's their story. It's their game. And it's our fault if we let them make it ours. We have to know in ourselves that it is their story and they can lay blame and accuse all they want, we don't have to accept, or take any of it on us. These are the deepest spiritual lessons of all ... to know ourselves and to live our lives authentically.